So, I have a crush. There have been two dates that were good, really good. Good like where you don’t have to go to the bathroom three times to play words with friends on the toilet to pass the time and you actually have witty banter and stellar conversation.
He is also cute. And tall, and laughs at my jokes.
But there is a SERIOUS problem. He has fallen prey to what I call the “texting veil.”
In person, he’s funny and normal. Via text, he is a super freak.
Freaky to the point of maybe mentioning Ludacris lyrics and consistently trying to turn the conversation back to whether or not I had been naughty. There is no way, after only having been on two dates, he would ever say this stuff to my face.
My roommate stumbled upon the texting veil not so long ago as well. She met a cute guy at Clover Club, he got her number, he had a job, and didn’t live with his parents. Things were looking good. Then she got home and had a text from him, “What are you wearing?”
Her response: ”Pajamas?”
Texting has created this fake barrier that make people think its appropriate to send overly familiar messages without really knowing a person. I knew on Saturday had I picked up the phone and called this dude he would have stuttered and attempted normalcy, not tried to discuss ‘adult films.’
On Sunday my roommate asked me, “So are you still interested?”
This morning, a random cute stranger bought my coffee. Did it matter that I was bumbling around in my purse for five minutes looking for nickels (NICKELS) to pay for the $1.25 cart coffee and he literally shoved me out of the way with his umbrella to pay so he could hurry along? No. It did not. He was cute. Way to go, Wednesday.
Maybe next time I’ll just suggest this game instead…
So this past Monday, I was on a date. You know how there is that magic 5 seconds at the beginning of a date where you decide if you are going to be attracted to the person? Well, I wasn’t.
So I decided to get weird.
“Let me ask you a question, Ralph* [names have been changed to protect the innocent],” I said, “what is your darkest future vision of yourself. Dark like, funny dark, not like, your whole family dies dark.”
“Um, ok, that’s a little weird, but…” he said, thinking, “I would have to say my answer would be living in my hometown, in an apartment complex with a pool that had no water, working at the Cheesecake Factory to support my illegitimate child I had with an ex-high school girlfriend. Yeah, that’s pretty dark.
“Oh, and driving at 1997 Toyota Camry. What about you?”
Since Ralph was willing to play, I decided not to hold back.
“Definitely it would be living in an attic in my sister’s house, with lots of cats. And she and her happy family would live below and I would have to ask her husband for $20 bills. And when things got really bad, I would sit on my couch for so long my skin would graft to the cushions like this Nip/Tuck episode I saw once.”
Then Ralph said, “I think you lived in the basement it would be much darker.”
It’s now time for what will affectionately be known as, Dating Contest Wrap Up Hour!
But wait, what is Dating Contest?
Thanks for asking.
12 of my single friends [from all around the country, I might add] are teaming up against each other for the next two months to see who can go on the most dates.
The point system is as follows:
1st date - 1 pt
Double date - 1 pt
2nd - 6th date - 0.5 pts
Additional 0.5 given for: two dates in one night, random makeouts
Minus 0.5 for: ex-boyfriend love
We have a shared google spreadsheet where we update our dates and write funny notes like “This website should be called okcloset, not okcupid.”
Whomever has the most points on December 1st is the winner! Of course, you can also win by meeting someone you really like, but….we are in competition here.
And if the wise people at Psychology Today are right and dating is just a numbers game, the winner of the contest has a pretty good shot at meeting someone they are at least remotely interested in.
Most importantly, however, it encourages you to put yourself out there. Just this past Monday night I was at home in my bathrobe when I got a text from a dude who I’d been trying to meet up with. He was in my neighborhood, was I free tonight for a drink? Ordinarily, I would have said, um NO, and gone back to my Ben & Jerry’s. But I am trying to win a contest here. So I went for the drink. Will I see him again? Eh. But I’m one point ahead….
The original Cat Ladies.